Everyman's Journal 2011

Everyman's Journal 2011, #50

April 4

My path through life of late has delivered me to this moment as through a whirlwind---- several events offering major growth invitations....

On one day in the middle of the week I was momentarily inattentive and make a false assumption... as a result I am responsible for the death of an animal (a beautifully orange stray long-haired cat) whom I drove over in a parking lot with my car. It is a subtle thing, this recognizing that I am responsible, while at the same time truly understanding 'there is no blame' in this universe. But I saw that it would be spiritually self-deceptive to listen to the worlds view (that it wasn't my fault and please don't blame yourself) that I had received from the emergency veterinary clinic staff (to which I took the bleeding, broken jawed, severely head traumatizes cat, and where I wept as I finally signed it over to them, knowing it would almost certainly be quickly euthanized).

If only I had listened to my heart and said "yes, I like you, you're a lovely cat... sure, I'll help...," instead of "no, I'm not willing".... when the cat had approached me minutes before, plaintively meowing, now asking me if I would give it a home (I had seen and heard it from under other cars in the parking lot earlier in the day also).... but "I" was in the middle of a phone call, and "I" did not give full attention or consideration to this request from another sentient life form. If I had, I might have recognized that I would probably have only been 'a passing friend on the journey', and that almost certainly I could have found a good home for it. But I didn't realize that until later.... in the moment, my attention was on enjoying the phone call, and after taking the cat out of my car (it had actually jumped in as I was loading my tools, etc), placing it on the ground and closing my door so it could not reenter, I did not think of it further, until (after starting my car [with an historical understanding that no cat that might be hiding under a just-started car ever remains there... even briefly]) I felt the strange sensation of my rear tire slowly lifting and dropping as I drove over the cats head several moments later.

Suddenly, as I watched the spastic pain-berserk flip-flops of the cats body, and listened to it's screams of agony, my entire world of the minutes before disappeared into my own heart-broken weeping cries of horror at this turn of events, and for a minute or so, a kind of numbed confusion as to what to do now. Then, I knew... I had to take it to a veterinarian quickly... I had no idea where... but it was late in the business day. I loaded the blood-splattered cat as carefully as I could into my car, and by stopping at an open nearby store I hurriedly and urgently received the directions I needed from the quickly responsive people inside. Shortly thereafter I was delivering the now quietly moaning-in-pain shocked animal into the hands of the clinic, where it was taken behind closed doors, and where I was advised that it would be a few minutes for some word of the cats prognosis.

The receptionist gently delivered me my options.... "Good Sam" the cat to them as a stray (which would rarely end in anything but euthanasia), or "accept ownership" and pay the significant charges (which she estimated at several hundred just to start, with of course, no guarantee that the cat would survive), or (last option) take the cat back (i.e., I would be on my own with the cat, to do the best I could). "Was there any information about the cats condition now available that might help me choose?" "Not yet... there are several other emergencies ahead of it...they've given it oxygen to help it breath better, that's all"....

I so didn't wish the animal to be put down and I could clearly feel my resistance to that choice.... I could also feel my strong resistance to suddenly having a very large vet bill to pay.... so, to the receptionists mild surprise, and on the prayer that a miracle might happen or maybe the cat was not as badly injured as it appeared, I felt my heart and my mouth speak the words "Give it back to me". And my heart said simply, "Good".

I went to my car to clean up the mess, and prepare for the cat again.... a female assistant I hadn't seen before brought the cat out, wrapped in a blanket. "I hope you are planning to take this animal somewhere else!" she said, quite pointedly. I hadn't been... I was just going to take it home and try to take care of it, and pray for it. I didn't say that to her...I just said 'Why?' "Because this cat has a broken jaw and massive head trauma, and it's in life-threatening shock", she said. I told her I hadn't been told that yet by anybody else. (She was obviously a bit surprised at that.) "What would you do?" I chokingly asked her, sensing her goodness of heart. "How much chance does it have of surviving this?" "Not very much, and it's suffering" she softly answered. I looked at the animal.... it was quiet, but it looked so very miserable. My heart hurt, and I surrendered.... "OK", I heard myself say, "I'll sign the papers".

Together, we walked back into the clinic....

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Epilogue.... I went back 3 hours later, to know for certain what had happened, and (if I found that it's body would just be dumped in a dumpster and carted to a landfill) to offer to take and bury the body. I was grateful to be told that they always cremated euthanasias, and that the ashes were ceremonially spread.

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Life has moved on a few days now... I keep feeling my heart's sadness, and looking at what I have learned from this: That inattentiveness and making false assumptions has consequences. That being present is not a limited, boundaried condition, confined to my personal view of the world, it includes being aware of OTHERS also. That the grief of my heart at this event is the seed of my commitment to be both newly awake and self-honest. That really looking at our mistakes is the path to not making them again.

I appreciated my friend Varda's words: "Maybe you could think of the cat as a form of 'Christ dying for you' so that you could wake up more...." The words seemed a true possibility.... for the moment, the best interpretation I could imagine.

For certainly, from a place of divine perspective, none of this was 'accidental'.

Namaste,

David

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My partnership request.... Please consider yourself an important gateway this message is passing through on its way to others. Please do 'send it on'. Thank you.

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Rev. David Seacord

Fine Art Painter / Sufi Cherag

david@davidseacord.com

www.davidseacord.com

(my fine art website)

www.davidseacord-everymansjournal.blogspot.com

(archived writings and poetry, circa 2002 to 2004)

www.davidseacord-acimcommentaries.blogspot.com

(archived 2010 writings on the lessons of A Course in Miracles)

www.everymansjournal2011.blogspot.com

(archived entries of this years Everyman's Journal)