Everyman's Journal 2011, #55 © 2011 Rev. David Seacord May 13
Everything happens in God's timing, no exceptions. It cannot be otherwise, for there is no place or time that is outside of God.
I have in the past forgotten this often, and when I do, I dream the false ego dreams that I call 'my reality'. Perhaps I shall discover a even greater cornerstone of my personal illusions sometime in the future than todays entry reveals, but if so, that too will be by God's grace, and in God's timing. Right now I have only this to report:
After about a week of seemingly 'holding it together', I cracked open yesterday morning in yoga class from seeing something clearly, and as if for the first time... the impact of seeing it emotionally paining my heart and leaving me profoundly grieving and weeping.... as quietly as I could, but unable to stop it's flow.
In class, there had been 'a pushing of the practice' going on, which took me to the edges of physical exhaustion. And it was exactly then that the insight abruptly arrived: a sudden recognition that I was trapped... that I was caught in a particular paradigm.... and that I had been trapped in it for a very very long time, AND (at that moment), that I did not have any idea how to go beyond it---that for me, until that moment, there was no beyond it. I saw that my whole life, to this point, had been lived inside this paradigm, that I had been forever attempting to find my joy and happiness there, but that that had NEVER worked (permanently...it always seemed to work for a little while, but then it would collapse... and I would make up a reason why, try to learn how to be more skillful etc, but I had never before really doubted the paradigm. Even though I could speak like I knew about it, and I could see it's effects in others, within myself and about myself I never authentically saw it. It has been invisible to me, like water is to a fish.) Thus I saw I was doomed, for if this was all I knew, and yet it never worked, I knew I was lost.
The paradigm? Simply put, what I saw was that even after 'giving my life to God' ---that my actual Supreme God (the 'God ABOVE my God') is 'a woman'. Meaning, I have been both consciously and unconsciously believing that for this 'me' to become really whole and really happy, something MORE than Knowing God was necessary.... that someday I would HAVE TO find the right woman, and only then would life finally become 'perfect, and as it is supposed to be, complete and whole'. It is a horrible entrapment of course, for I see this paradigm, this emotionally outward projection has cost me dearly in many ways, one major cost being that it has diminished my authentic interest in discovering who I actually AM or how to actually Love my Self. In other words, energy that could have been used to grow spiritually has instead been used chasing a dream. And until today I have been unconscious of and blind to the profound depth of my entrapment. And I have also been very dense, for even though I have been given the message time and time again throughout the entirety of my life that 'a woman isn't IT', sub-consciously I have doggedly refused to believe it.... REALLY. Moreover, even though I am (perhaps) more socially skilled than I was as a puppy, and my response triggers are more refined and discerning (so that I can usually move freely amongst most woman in a sane way).... still, given a triggering by a well-personified example of my particular female ideal (as you may correctly surmise recently happened [during my time in New Mexico]), I have consistently swallowed the hook and worshipped the current her as my completion (instead of God).... and then inevitably suffered.... sometimes quickly, and sometimes after a considerable time had past.
As I already said, yesterday I saw: 1. my 'ego-I' doesn't know how to do anything else, and 2. (this is the ego-death one which rips my reality apart at it's seams).... I see my 'I's' dream of a Goddess-woman appearing in my life and being 'The ONE' is NEVER NEVER NEVER gonna happen. I found myself just sobbing on that one....to see that it's all been a huge lifetime-long illusion, and that it cannot ever be made Real. Oh God, how could I have been so blind? (I am not, by the way, saying I will never meet or partner with a wonderful woman... I am simply saying that my version --- the fairy tale dream that promises that she will be 'the ONE'--- [meaning an external replacement or substitute for my own self-discovery of my indwelling Christos].... that that can never happen in Reality. For I now see it is impossible for any 'special relationship' to actually fill my heart with the authentic DIVINE LOVE which is God's alone to give --uniquely-- to each one of us).
As I have climbed upward for a week across the ruins of my dream, by now of course I can see this has all happened and this growth/reality-confront is available to me right now because I swallowed the hook. I.e., true growth is always best learned by direct experience, and is not just intellectual.
The story? Briefly, if you insist. Recently, a "perfect-looking/feeling" (according to my secret wish list) 'she-trigger' was sent into my life, right on time, to give me God's 'trigger gift' of an instant and seemingly very deep heart-union. Spirit did not waste any time on honeymooning though, for immediately, as soon as my emotions were 'positively bonded', the pain began arising for both of us, and quickly thereafter (playing her part perfectly) came her necessary complete abandonment, for which I was totally unprepared. Hence, suddenly and capriciously thrown out of Heaven and into mourning, and dragging around my burst bubble like a security blanket, the emotional contrasts that I have experienced throughout this past week as I have flipped between acceptance of and/or resistance to yet another 'relationship failure' would have been very good material for soap-opera drama writers... (an aside: there is this thing in psychology called 'the emotional tone scale.... which from low to high goes like this: unconscious, apathetic, grief/shame, anger, pain, and finally, acceptance. Then above that comes the happier emotions.) Anyway, since I have been 'in resistance to my abandonment', I been 'being intimate' with the lower part of the list a lot this past week. One point in particular I have been super stuck on: my spiritual pride's extreme shame that I was even going through something like this... again.... like, how could I admit to anybody that this was even happening? To me? So I pretty much isolated, couldn't/didn't write any journal entries, couldn't/didn't talk much about it to anybody, and just suffered from the (to me) obvious senselessness of this one-sided reversal, which left me feeling terribly incomplete. It was initially quite hard to find sane thoughts inside my head to work with, but gradually, appreciated help began to arrive--- mostly over internet links to consciousness sites.
My other stress relievers have been hard work, watching several movies, and my daily yoga classes, which of course, move energy. And, yesterday by God's grace, I cracked open there.
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Yes, I can now see I have been blessed, and the exposure of this paradigm is a very great spiritual gift that I have actually been in a partnership with God in creating, and that it probably couldn't have happened for me any other way. I am praying for the courage to accept the lesson deeply, so that my ego-I just doesn't do it's habitual denial/forgetting patterns... but instead that I be the master I AM, and allow the surgery to continue however necessary to gain an authentic completion. I see I AM now in an amazing grace-guided healing process which will free me of this immensely limiting paradigm and give me the possibility of a new life of true Self-Love....the kind that I have many many times heard testimony about, yet have only partially known as an ongoing daily reality. If you will, I am asking that you hold me in a well-lighted visioning of the same, plus including me in your thoughts and prayers, as I could use them. I also ask that you send the same light to the soul-friend who played the trigger/abandonment role for me, as I know that in her personal world, she has also been climbing over the tear-drenched ruins of her life's dreams also. It is not necessary to reveal any details about her... if you simply intend your light to find her, it will.
I humbly thank you...
Namaste,
David
My partnership request.... Please consider yourself an important gateway this message is passing through on its way to others. Please do 'send it on'. Thank you.
*********************************** Rev. David Seacord Fine Art Painter / Sufi Cherag
(my fine art website)
(archived writings and poetry, circa 2002 to 2004)
(archived 2010 writings on the lessons of A Course in Miracles)
(archived entries of this years Everyman's Journal)
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